What makes you happy? | 09/08

I've been thinking a lot recently about these past few months and how they have been challenging in many ways, but also filled with wonderful happy times.

Here's a few that I thought I'd share with you all;

July 5th

Last month I went to Brighton for the day with my Sister, Her Boyfriend and our friend Emma.

We sat in the sun and walked about, but then I went for a little stroll on my own through the lanes and went to Snoopers Paradise (tut heaven!) and honestly, I really enjoy my own company sometimes! Just being able to take your time to look around places and not worry about anyone else is nice!

August 7th 

This is Ella Masters. We me through my awesome boss Ree Ree Rockette and honestly she's probably the most honest, down to earth person ever? We have so much in common and always manage to share a giggle. We also love to shop, which is... y'no my fave thing! Isn't it weird how people who are just like you kind of just turn up in your life and make loads of sense? haha.

August 7th

I met Ella in Camden for coffee on this day, I've fallen back in love with coffee again. We have a love-hate relationship with each other, sometimes I get the shakes and panic; sometimes I just buzz my tits off.

Also Camden, why do I neglect you for Shoreditch? You're just as lovely! 

April 30th

On April 30th I had my first day at Rockalily Cuts. I had fallen out with Hairdressing after I had my confidence knocked by someone I admired. BUT one day I found Ree and Ree found me. Now 3 months on here I am! I'm doing more hair than I ever have before and more importantly I can be myself! I'll be qualified early next year, and until then I'm loving every second. Working in London is beautiful, exciting and always different. I am so so content.

ciao x

My University Hell | Mindful Mondays |

This is an honest insight into University from the point of view of someone who has had Crippling Social Anxiety since moving schools aged 9 & Depression onset from bullying and emotional abuse since age 15. I never speak about it, quite frankly, I'm embarrassed by it. It's terrifying. Sometimes you feel as though you are sinking & that you'd be better off dead. Talking about it has helped me today though. It's helped me in amounts I cannot describe, maybe it could help those who find it hard to talk about how they feel too?

This might not be for everyone, but to make things clear, I'm not looking for anything but personal clarity by writing this post. 

If you've been keeping up with my life the past year on Instagram or Twitter recently you may of noticed that I made the big decision to pursue a University education in my one true love; Costume.
I've always dejected from the idea of going to university, I really didn't think it was for me at all. I was right.

In February I applied for a Foundation Art year to improve my basic art skills and spent a few weeks printing photos for my portfolio, mounting them on huge pieces of card, labelling. I applied for student finance the first time round; for the Foundation Art year and soon discovered I wasn't eligible for finance because I was too old and too young at the same time, Bollocks!

I then decided to just jump straight into a Three Year degree, throwing caution to the wind; which is VERY unlike me nowadays and applied for Theatre & Screen : Costume Interpretation. I had a telephone interview and was offered an unconditional offer instantly! I was so overwhelmed as I honestly thought I was never going to be able to go to university. But then It all started to go wrong.

Because it was June, I quickly applied for Student Finance using the same login as before, but discovered I couldn't cancel my application. Student Finance couldn't seem to understand why they couldn't cancel it and I must of spent weeks on the phone to them before they admitted to a problem with my account and prompted I apply by post in the first week of August; which I was unaware at the time is VERY LATE and possibly TOO LATE. 

Sending off my application I spent weeks following on the phone chasing it up, Had it been received? Was it being processed? Have I filled it out correctly? Do you have the right I.D.? The right financial information?

It was starting to near the end of September and panic began to set in, I spent hours on the phone on hold and was continuously told by Student Finance operators that my application had been 'pushed forward' and that forms had been filled out to 'speed up the process'. All the while Student Finance weren't telling me that there was a Fault with my account and the staff were looking at it and seeing my previous application- which had been declined and then had simply pushed my name and current new paperwork aside. 

Enrolment day came around, I was temporarily enrolled and Signed a declaration to agree to owe £9k to the University. What was I to do? I had no choice but to sign or just turn around and go home.

 I called student finance that day, so did my boyfriend and a student advisor. Still no answer as to why my application hadn't been processed. 

My first day of uni, I felt out of place and disconnected from the people around me and my surroundings. I got a lot of vibes from people, perhaps because I wasn't the poshest, richest one there or maybe the best dressed. It seemed all too much like a competition and nothing like an education, exactly what I hated about school, and sixth form. 

I missed my college, my tiny Techie class and family. I missed the acceptance, we were all a little weird and we wore black because the theatre deemed so, you didn't have to dress to fit in and if you did, frankly we'd all be puzzled. I sat down for lunch in the rain because the tables in the lunch hall were full that day and knew It wasn't for me, but giving up wasn't a viable option after I'd given up so much already just to be there. 

I was paying out of my ears from my savings to get there, leaving ridiculously early to make the miserable 2 and a half hour commute each morning, still to be late. I was totally drowning, hungry and started to get so depressed I eventually fell Ill and had some thoughts and dark days I'm not so proud of.

I can't really describe it. Maybe the university people weren't for me? The campus, lecturers, tutors were incredible, but for someone who had dealt with bullying and social anxiety, the stresses of fitting in were horrendous. Mix that with being over-tired and the stresses of not having any money- meaning not being able to afford the equipment unlike everyone else; and you get the recipe for stress panicking day and night as well as night terrors, anxiety attacks and crying fits.

Eventually I just cracked. I had a panic attack on my way into Uni after a week off sick and went straight home. I felt like a failure, I was so embarrassed to tell my Dad that I had anxiety and depression that affected me so badly. I felt like I'd let down everyone who had helped me, be it with money or advice, or my boyfriend who spent hours on the phone to student finance for me and who had consoled me when I'd had moments of panic or sadness.

I sat down with friends & family. Some told me to just ride it out, everything takes some getting used to. But the sheer dread that I felt just thinking about setting foot back into the campus. I must sound mad, but the embarrassment I'd felt when I'd left early on some days to walk to the park and have a panic attack away from people was enough for me to never show my face again.

Eventually the right thing to do came from my boyfriends dad, after he had called a family meeting for me. An adorable yet helpful gesture, asking for help has never been my forte. I will struggle until I snap. He simply said, 'If it's not making you happy, It's not right for you.'

and that's exactly it.

I've given up people, lovers, jobs & hobbies because they didn't make me genuinely happy, why wasn't I making that choice now? 

I called my University and told them exactly how I felt and what I'd like to do. Student finance got cancelled, I did however find that I was eligible they were just taking their sweet damn time, even after all of the PLEASE HELP ME phone calls I had made to them in the last month.

It's been a week since I withdrew my place. I have £22.50 to my name and no job. I've even been told to sign on to JSA. But above all, I am free of what was getting me down, and I see a light at the end of the tunnel.. so to speak.


I'm currently working on SWOON AW15 and I'm looking into theatre work. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

lovelove
xxx

#DearMe | A letter to my younger self. |

To celebrate International Womens Day (Sunday 8th March) I thought i'd have a go at #DearMe. I didn't have time to make a video In time for sunday so I thought a little letter to myself would be nice.

Dear Josie,

I wouldn't know how to start a letter to myself, but you'd be pleased to know we get B's in both of our english GCSE's.

 I'm nearing the end of my Teenage years now and looking back on it they haven't been too bad. I have you to thank for my extensive taste in all music, thank you for not listening to what was on Kiss 100. 

I finally got a record player last week and my first record was Blondie's Parallel Lines album. Remember when Atomic played in the car on the way back from our last day of school? I'll never forget it.

More thanks are to be given, It's because of you pushing the fashion front that I even have a Vintage blog now. You weren't afraid to wear vintage sunglasses or geek glasses when your friends called them ugly, and Mummy's Biba belt & Handmade clothes from her teens in the 70's became your favourite pieces to this day!

School was pretty good and I know I hated it quite a bit at times, but you'll look back on it now with Aaliyah and Hannah - Aaliyah and Hannah are your Best Friends still & You're even an Aunt to Hannahs Baba Scarlett - and recall them as some of your best years yet.

Although It was tough, to deal with people who treated you unfairly because they didn't understand your humour or your way of thinking. Who excluded you from outings and made you feel really alone, who did really evil and horrid things to you.

It may of been the end of everything then but they're nothing now, trust me. Dust it off and carry on with that crazy spirit they all dislike! The years have passed now and you won't even look at each other twice in the street.

However there will always be that one friend you wish you hadn't lost, The oldest of old friends who will always have a special little door in your Tiny Girl heart. In primary school you banged your head on a wall until she stopped crying and started laughing. True Frondz.

 She wanted to do other things with different people and wouldn't believe you when you tried to tell them different. You made sure not to cause a fuss but to just let her get on with it, Maybe you'll talk again, maybe you wont. But she'll always have that place, You know?

Remember in 2010 when you fell out with your Big Sister and didn't speak to each other for a full year even though you shared a room? You're the best of friends now and you are really proud of her instead of envious. She's a wonderful sister and she'll move out before you realise it, so don't be so hard on her I bet you're a really annoying little sister to deal with. Sorry Chloe, I didnt mean to constantly steal your ugg boots or wear your make-up. I wanted to be just like you and still do.

Talking of envious, You remained the infamous Josie Grossie & had Never Been Kissed until you were 15. You were picked on by the boys in Year 7/8/9 for being 'Frigid' and my personal favourite a 'Skinny Snowman' until in year 9 You turned around and gave them the U WOT M8? It upset you I know, but it reallyyyyyyy wasn't the end of the world. You'll kiss a boy eventually, and *shudders* it'll be gross!

A certain boy will break your teeny weeny Girl Heart and it will feel like the end of the world. You'll go a bit cray cray Steer clear from throwing loveheart sweets at his front door though... you might not live that one down.. haha.

You got quite sick after that from Anxiety & Depression and Papa Steve will sit on the hallway floor with you while you cry your heart out.

 It taught future you to be super strong so don't be ashamed to say you had a weak moment, It's easier to not let things get to you now. After all of that poop the 'Fuck it!' stage began, My favourite time.

You'll of met Stevie by now, She will be your partner in crime and will have many a Drunken/Hyperactive night with you. You love her. You'll have infamous private jokes, Even if she STILL doesn't know who Charlie is?

I've written quite a lot now but there's still a few things left that i'd like to say. 

You're a very smart, funny, unique person. You give your best to everyone and expect nothing back. You always smile, laugh and look for the best in things. Never stop. Never stop making people laugh and smile or looking for the best in things.

To this day your mantra is still about making people smile, even if they're laughing at you opposed to with you.

Never grow up. Never ever. It's a bit crap, I don't even have a passport yet! But never lose that attitude of being young. Don't lose sight in things that aren't important like if a boy fancies you or a friend suddenly doesn't like you.

The people who love you will love you for you and your crazy personality, the inability to pull a nice face for photos, appetite and excellent Christopher Walken impressions and those who don't like you for any of those things don't matter!

You will be able to eventually call yourself a FABULOUS BOSS. ASS. BITCH.

All in all, Don't apologise to anyone, don't you dare. You are are you and if there's any mistake I can pinpoint from all my years looking back it's that I apologised too much for things that didn't matter. I will not take my hair out of a middle parting because I like it that way, I won't tone down my personality because I was born this way.  Don't like it? Am I too much? SORRY NOT SORRY. *clicks a-z*

You're awesome, Now play your Florence and The Machine Lungs album on full blast at your 14th Birthday party even when your 'friend' tries to turn it off, HATERS ARE POTATERS. 

Love you Mojo Jojo

xxxx