This is an honest insight into University from the point of view of someone who has had Crippling Social Anxiety since moving schools aged 9 & Depression onset from bullying and emotional abuse since age 15. I never speak about it, quite frankly, I'm embarrassed by it. It's terrifying. Sometimes you feel as though you are sinking & that you'd be better off dead. Talking about it has helped me today though. It's helped me in amounts I cannot describe, maybe it could help those who find it hard to talk about how they feel too?
This might not be for everyone, but to make things clear, I'm not looking for anything but personal clarity by writing this post.
If you've been keeping up with my life the past year on Instagram or Twitter recently you may of noticed that I made the big decision to pursue a University education in my one true love; Costume.
I've always dejected from the idea of going to university, I really didn't think it was for me at all. I was right.
In February I applied for a Foundation Art year to improve my basic art skills and spent a few weeks printing photos for my portfolio, mounting them on huge pieces of card, labelling. I applied for student finance the first time round; for the Foundation Art year and soon discovered I wasn't eligible for finance because I was too old and too young at the same time, Bollocks!
I then decided to just jump straight into a Three Year degree, throwing caution to the wind; which is VERY unlike me nowadays and applied for Theatre & Screen : Costume Interpretation. I had a telephone interview and was offered an unconditional offer instantly! I was so overwhelmed as I honestly thought I was never going to be able to go to university. But then It all started to go wrong.
Because it was June, I quickly applied for Student Finance using the same login as before, but discovered I couldn't cancel my application. Student Finance couldn't seem to understand why they couldn't cancel it and I must of spent weeks on the phone to them before they admitted to a problem with my account and prompted I apply by post in the first week of August; which I was unaware at the time is VERY LATE and possibly TOO LATE.
Sending off my application I spent weeks following on the phone chasing it up, Had it been received? Was it being processed? Have I filled it out correctly? Do you have the right I.D.? The right financial information?
It was starting to near the end of September and panic began to set in, I spent hours on the phone on hold and was continuously told by Student Finance operators that my application had been 'pushed forward' and that forms had been filled out to 'speed up the process'. All the while Student Finance weren't telling me that there was a Fault with my account and the staff were looking at it and seeing my previous application- which had been declined and then had simply pushed my name and current new paperwork aside.
Enrolment day came around, I was temporarily enrolled and Signed a declaration to agree to owe £9k to the University. What was I to do? I had no choice but to sign or just turn around and go home.
I called student finance that day, so did my boyfriend and a student advisor. Still no answer as to why my application hadn't been processed.
My first day of uni, I felt out of place and disconnected from the people around me and my surroundings. I got a lot of vibes from people, perhaps because I wasn't the poshest, richest one there or maybe the best dressed. It seemed all too much like a competition and nothing like an education, exactly what I hated about school, and sixth form.
I missed my college, my tiny Techie class and family. I missed the acceptance, we were all a little weird and we wore black because the theatre deemed so, you didn't have to dress to fit in and if you did, frankly we'd all be puzzled. I sat down for lunch in the rain because the tables in the lunch hall were full that day and knew It wasn't for me, but giving up wasn't a viable option after I'd given up so much already just to be there.
I was paying out of my ears from my savings to get there, leaving ridiculously early to make the miserable 2 and a half hour commute each morning, still to be late. I was totally drowning, hungry and started to get so depressed I eventually fell Ill and had some thoughts and dark days I'm not so proud of.
I can't really describe it. Maybe the university people weren't for me? The campus, lecturers, tutors were incredible, but for someone who had dealt with bullying and social anxiety, the stresses of fitting in were horrendous. Mix that with being over-tired and the stresses of not having any money- meaning not being able to afford the equipment unlike everyone else; and you get the recipe for stress panicking day and night as well as night terrors, anxiety attacks and crying fits.
Eventually I just cracked. I had a panic attack on my way into Uni after a week off sick and went straight home. I felt like a failure, I was so embarrassed to tell my Dad that I had anxiety and depression that affected me so badly. I felt like I'd let down everyone who had helped me, be it with money or advice, or my boyfriend who spent hours on the phone to student finance for me and who had consoled me when I'd had moments of panic or sadness.
I sat down with friends & family. Some told me to just ride it out, everything takes some getting used to. But the sheer dread that I felt just thinking about setting foot back into the campus. I must sound mad, but the embarrassment I'd felt when I'd left early on some days to walk to the park and have a panic attack away from people was enough for me to never show my face again.
Eventually the right thing to do came from my boyfriends dad, after he had called a family meeting for me. An adorable yet helpful gesture, asking for help has never been my forte. I will struggle until I snap. He simply said, 'If it's not making you happy, It's not right for you.'
and that's exactly it.
I've given up people, lovers, jobs & hobbies because they didn't make me genuinely happy, why wasn't I making that choice now?
I called my University and told them exactly how I felt and what I'd like to do. Student finance got cancelled, I did however find that I was eligible they were just taking their sweet damn time, even after all of the PLEASE HELP ME phone calls I had made to them in the last month.
It's been a week since I withdrew my place. I have £22.50 to my name and no job. I've even been told to sign on to JSA. But above all, I am free of what was getting me down, and I see a light at the end of the tunnel.. so to speak.
I'm currently working on SWOON AW15 and I'm looking into theatre work. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
lovelove
xxx
